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Showing posts from January, 2009

World Peace (o.k., ya, whatever you say boss)

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Thoughts on "World Peace" (or "harsher punishment for parole violators"):"How am I supposed to get along if you don't let me do what I want?" --DouglasIt seems like Vladimir Putin, Osama Bin Laden, Attila the Hun, O.J. Simpson, the Joker, Gargamel, Mr. Hyde, Lex Luther, the Borg Queen, Darth Vadar, Kahn, and the Sheriff of Nottingham, have all been reading Douglas' Book of Unfairness (now available in Russian, Arabic, Chinese, English, Nonsensical, Archaic English, and Borgese).  To give us hope and a foot in the door of peace, he states that he could get along under certain conditions, but only after the will of the opposition has been subdued.  "Ah...now I can get along.  You just sit there with your eyes crossed, relishing in the fairy mesmer that tells you that "all ways are my ways."  The mommies of all of the above non-get-alonger-ists need padded cells or a super power installed promptly!Thoughts on Reproduction and the ultim…

Ew! They're kissing!

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Alas, I am in my old lady night gown, the knit cream one with the purple flowers, hair tightly clipped and tied back, and feet freed of socks and shoes.  If it wasn't for the tiny thread of memory that told me I had a Hershey's kiss hidden in a remote corner of a kitchen cupboard I might not be sitting here trying to release some of the day's anxiety through the justified placement of organized letters. Rather, I'd be quickly pacing the kitchen tiles, trying to cut any hair that tried to free itself of it's plastic confines, and throwing shoes that I tripped over.  Chocolate, it can be such a life preserver at times! This afternoon, in order to form a more perfect unio...I mean, in order to change up the usual routine of the boys coming home, de-cloaking in a reptilian manner, greeting mommy with a smile and then a demand of some sort, to be followed by an all out brawl with Isaac (he has unique ways of welcoming his brothers home), I decided that we should go on a…

Parting a Path for Pat, the Pirate, and Pat's aunt.

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My living room floor looks like a vegetarian horror film staring Mr. Potato Head in the process of being boiled, roasted, pan seared, charred, mashed, and skewered. The following is a conversation between Mr. Pirate Potato and Mr. or Mrs. Pat Potato, before I tripped into the room, going something like this (random thought: Are there cross dressers where spuds are involved? I'm sure the unavoidable androgyny inherent in the lives of potatoes has spared Hasbro a few headaches where lawsuit-happy gender activists are involved) :Mr. Pirate Potato: You better pick a good one this time or this will be the last spud race you ever see, get my drift?Mr.or Mrs. Pat Potato: Well, I'm just going to put this mustache and this skirt on and nobody will recognize me when I place this bet on the Irish spud with the blemishes. Trust me, I'll be back before you can sprout eyes.Mr. Pirate Potato: "betray [me], and I will fong you, until your insides are your out, and your outsid…

"What?"

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My previous post was about getting up in the morning and some of the issues with, well getting up in the morning.  One of those issues is the part where the boys pull on their jackets and slither into their backpacks.  Of course it seems to always be 2 minutes before they need to start walking out the door that they bring up some things they needed to do or bring to school, etc.  Today, they pointed out that they had a paper in their backpacks telling us about hearing tests going on at school.  That was fine, they pulled them out, I looked at them and said "okay," what else does one say.  Looking at the paper on the table Reed, in his curious way, asked me what a hearing test was (Reed knows the answers to these things but for some reason he just has to voice the question, almost like the mental struggle is for my benefit, like when they were kids and I'd tell them "say dog, or say train," etc.  the cooperation might have been an effort to entertain mommy and e…

Early, yet upbeat!

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"Begin each day as if it were on purpose"(quoted from Hitch but I don't know who first said it).There are mornings, such as the rainy cold one we are having today, where I feel there are evil forces at work in waking me up. First, there are the perky harpies on the radio alarm clock with news of cannibalism in the underworld and a slowing on the I-15, all in the same C above middle C tone, fluctuating slightly between B and D. Then, I wake up to find that I've been turned into a cyclops with no recollection as to how, but know it as I reach up and feel the other eye has been completely sealed up in sleepy glue. Stiffly, I roll, yet with forceful grunts, to pulverize the alarm clock and then with a parched mouth start searching for a glass of water to wash down the remaining wool from last night's sheep-ka-bobs. Alas, I emerge from the cave to go and wake up the cyclops-lets for school and beg them to get dressed quickly without eating each other and with promi…

"The Face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of that face." --Jack Handy

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***warning, long entry***There was a time when corsets were worn in a fashion to constrict breathing, actually I think they were always worn like this, the breathing part.  In this same time there was a certain modest gentility where women of fine breeding were demure and men were gentlemen, reserving all "manly" behavior and language for the billiard room.  In these times of long ago, a man would never say a naughty word in front of a lady because the shock of it would send the oxygen depleted woman into a swoon preceded by a back-of-the-hand to forehead motion followed by, a gentle yet surprised high pitched sigh. Naturally, the gentlemen next to her would gallantly catch her while giving the offending cad a disapproving glare meant to warn of an impending meeting in the billiard room where chastisement made with some more naughty words might be safely encased while being expressed with great freedom and force.  A few years earlier the gentleman would have challenged the o…

Don't feed them after midnight!

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We have a new time for church since our ward split and I am feeling like the official time should be called "the witching hour."  Primary is fine, it's just when we get into Sacrament meeting that The Three turn into gremlins and not the soft, cute, and furry versions.  The time is from 11-2 right, during lunch, and so every other minute three haunting voices repetitiously wailed "I'm hungry, I'm thirsty, grrrr!"  "Grrr can have many meanings and translates into sounds like fingernails on chalkboards, piercing screams, metal rubbing against metal, dentist drills, or (in Lacey's case) cotton being pulled apart.  I'm sure anyone can guess my mental and emotional state but if you can't it is not stable, so beware.  I was asked to play my violin during the meeting and what would usually be a frightening thing was in fact the greatest relief, like a drink of ambrosia or winning the lottery.  I gleefully unpeeled my children, tripped over som…

The Great Re-Reader!

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All right, I read them again, the Eugenides series by Megan Whalen Turner.  I had to do something besides reread the Twilight books, pathetic I know.  I am a re-reader, I confess, I can't help myself.  If I find something I really like I want to linger a bit longer in that world.  It's just too hard to say goodbye to wonderful characters like Eugenides, Edward, Bella, Corlath, Harrimadsol, Isi, Elizabeth , Gregor, Eragon, Ender, Harry, Jacob, Captain Wentworth, and yes, I can go on and on.I would recommend all three of the above pictured books to anyone, male or female.  I believe there's supposed to be a 4th one.  Hurry Megan and finish it already!A couple more of my books in need of reinforced spines are The Hero and the Crown and one of my very favorites, Blue Sword.And finally, there are the Stephenie Meyer books which I will not show pictures or links to as I believe it might be contributing the unhealthy habits of a large population fighting the consumption of addict…

Catch me if you can!

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Alas, my romance with Jerry the Germ, a time in which my husband would give me no kisses, has come to an end. I must say that Jerry the Olympiad of Germs performed with great form, speed, and expression.  The form being a 45 degree angle over the toilet, the speed being 3 seconds to get there, and the expression in colors we shall not even try to explain.  Yes, I too competed with the Germ but I, unlike the 3 before me, did not help in his performance.  I have the unfortunate skill of not being able to hurl.  It has happened in the past, the one time I remember specifically was around age 12 when I had consumed more than my share of a new delicacy called the pine nut.  I can barely think of the white oval legume without breaking into a cold sweat.  Gluttony, for me, is definitely a deadly, or at least a nauseating, sin.  But since then I could probably count on one hand the number of times relief has come in the worship of the porcelain God form.I have a similar problem, along the sam…

Jerry the Germ

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Isaac was sick this morning with what I think Douglas had on Thursday.  It's always interesting yet disgusting to watch as germs jump from one child to the next.  I bet it's considered an Olympic sport among germs and the true challenge is to see if you can get all of the family infected in the shortest amount of time.  "Jerry the Germ wins!  In a 5 person race he hit 3 in the first week and 2 in the second giving him an infectious round total of 10!"After hearing of Isaac's physical state, Reed and Douglas asked this morning who the first person was to throw up (they're obsessed with superlatives, the first, the best, the fastest).  After a second they answered their own question by saying Adam, but then I felt the need to correct them and say that it was most likely Eve.  After some explaining about morning sickness they had to agree.Now I hope Jerry the Germ will realize that I have a great immune system and that we're all taking our vitamins and quit …

"Abby someone... Abby Normal"

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Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: Igor, would you mind telling me whose brain I did put in?
Igor: And you won't be angry?
Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: I will NOT be angry.
Igor: Abby someone.
Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: Abby someone. Abby who?
Igor: Abby Normal.
Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: Abby Normal?
Igor: I'm almost sure that was the name.
Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: Are you saying that I put an abnormal brain into a seven and a half foot long, fifty-four inch wide GORILLA?
[shakes and grabs him]
Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: IS THAT WHAT YOU'RE TELLING ME?You judge for yourself if perhaps I and many of my gender might be Abby in this situation.I have to admit, I have finally found an action figure that I feel I must buy.  Legolas and Prince Caspian were tempting, but Edward Cullen is irresistible.  I wonder if he comes scented like Strawberry Shortcake and Lemon Meringue?  If so, I'm sure there w…

Feet (and ankles) like an Ankylosaurus

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Goal #4 has been accomplished.  The tree was painfully removed thanks to Chris and his ability not to squeal like a little girl while poisonous needles pierce his tender skin.  We had to apply hydrocortisone cream to his dotted rash covered skin but I believe he will once again regain his baby bum soft epidermis.  (You should see how soft his feet are, but I guess that's the result of always wearing socks and shoes unlike me who has a layer of armored skin comparable to that of an ankylosaurus.  I'm confident in saying that my bare feet have had more fun getting to their current cracked state than any soft foot out there.  Is it not a skill to be able to pick up used dryer sheets by just stepping on them?).  Our new problem and I suppose goal is getting the before mentioned tree excavated from the foot of snow now covering it in time for the trash man, or whoever it is who takes all remnants of Christmas to be recycled, to take it away. I tried with my Barbie sized muscles to …

"Do or do not, there is no try."

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We are encouraged, persuaded, bribed, threatened and sometimes forced to better ourselves.  Encourage:  "Try not to so accurately aim that spit at your brother's face."  Persuade:  "Please, I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't spit on your brother." Bribe:  "If you don't spit on your brother mummy won't feed you to the lions." Force:  "Where's the duct tape?"  Anyway, here are a few goals I've chosen to share with the world in hopes that someone might encourage, persuade, bribe, threaten and force me to accomplish throughout the year.  Will power, where do I get some?Goal 1:  Make sure my kids shower at least once a week.  I asked Douglas today when he had last showered  and he said "last year."  I'm pretty sure he's had at least one since, but close enough.Goal 2:  Google the location to my gym, "I know it's somewhere around here."Goal 3:  Potty train Isaac.  How does one train a boy who&…