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Showing posts from March, 2009

The Mighty Sarlacc

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“Be sure to get Luke Skywalker out of the pop-corn.”After saying the above sentence to my son Isaac while going down the bread aisle of the grocery store, I wondered, in what parallel universe or in which of my many cat lives would I have predicted myself saying such a thing?  Yes, Luke had landed in the bag of popcorn, that is a 1.5 inch plastic toy version of Luke.  After telling Chris about the incident, he wondered if Luke was being “slowly digested over a thousand years” within the belly of the bag.  Unless popcorn happens to have powers like unto the mighty sarlacc, and it didn’t the last time I checked,  he would be just fine, of course after a thorough salt licking.I’ve found that talking to children brings out all kinds of things one would never imagine saying or even think they would need to say in a million life times.  Such sentences ranging in topics from proper disposal of nasal expulsions to explaining how a beta fish can die from eating dried olives and honey nut Cheer…

Do vampires wear sweaters?

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Kids are the best at pointing fingers at guilty adults while managing to come out on top, totally unscathed.  They ask the right questions, the ones that propriety forbids other adults from asking.  Most of these forthright questions pop out in the open among ears of hearing bystanders.  Questions like:  Why does your stomach jiggle?  Why do I have to where tighty-whities?  Why is she smoking?  Why do you always drink diet Coke?  You’re reading Twilight again?!  As a side-note, they also get away with things like picking their noses in public, head-butting their parents rear-ends, passing gas, and any number of fowl things.  What these questions and comments have in common, is that instead of the child getting an odd look from a stranger, it is the parent, the mom, who get’s the burning ocular stares penetrating into the back of her irresponsible head. One somewhat blustery fall afternoon, while leaving the store with Isaac, I lost the battle of the sweater.  Isaac wouldn’t put it on …

What’s not to love?

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Five things that make me laugh before I go to bed, that in the conscious hours of the day I might have not found such joy in. Thank goodness for bed time and also for the resulting moments of uninterrupted contemplation. 1. Being startled by a green plastic lizard. This lizard had somehow wriggled his way into my purse and as I put something back in it this evening, it’s previous surface must have given itself over to catapultism thereby launching it across the room. That kind of thing can be quite startling while deep in thoughts on how to get rid of the spider infestation in the lawn.2. Green and pink frosting on walls. The use of this medium for cave or spackled dry wall paintings is completely new to this century. If you care to see the exhibit, you may want to bone up on hand anatomy and how finger prints reveal themselves when pressed and coated in a sugary butter texture. Sir Isaac is our leading anthropologist and understands the art better than most. He’s even willin…

Role-Confused household items

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Back in the "olden" days (which, according to my kids, is when I was little), all we had to play with was rocks, sticks and dirt, or at least that's what I feel like telling the Three Bored Amigos when they say there's nothing to play with. Though it can be somewhat annoying, I feel a small sense of glee when I notice the creative cells in their brains have transformed non-toys into toys without the help of Toys R Us. Below are a few examples of toy mutations. By the way, in case those who are only in the possession of girls, ANYTHING can be turned into a sword, rocket or gun and should you have one of my boys over, don't be aghast if you find a Barbie flying in the air with the legs in splits moving in a propeller motion. Also, if Douglas seems to be glassy-eyed and the only thing interesting him is a spider web in the upper corner of the room, it's because his cousin Alyssa is waiting for him to add conversation skills to Ken's charms by commenting o…

Just like a Baby: Eats, sleeps, and does that other thing we don’t like to talk about in civilized company. Let me know if you’re not civilized and I’ll expound.

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I didn’t really look like this guy here but I did feel somewhat like him.I think my doctors were really trying to create a monster out of a marginally healthy human today.  I had an EEG and a blood test today.  For the first I had to come in sleep deprived and for the second test I had to be fasting.  So at 9 this morning I arrived at the doctor’s office tired and hungry or it could be looked at as ornery and starving, depending on one’s level of theatrics.  I really wasn’t too bad but was somewhat nervous about my performance in the EEG.  Why do physicians think one can sleep normally when they know they are being watched and examined during the process.  An errant thought led me to temporarily think they could read my thoughts with all of these wires coming out of my Medusa inspired hair-do.  If they could, my semi conscious dreams would have had them rolling with laughter as Wolverine from X-Men helped my mom do the laundry.  Dreams.  Apparently, I passed the 1 hour long sleep sess…

Rewards of Restroom Etiquette

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Thanks to some good behavior at work, like putting the seat down on the public toilet, refilling the stapler, not microwaving garlicy entrees in the lunchroom, and for finding the bosses lost keys, Chris got a bonus.  I think there were some other things worthy of bonus-hood, but they are “way existential” so I won’t even try to explain or even think about them.  With this bonus we of course invested it into an IRA and a 401k… “as if!”  We went running wild with green leaves of money-ness in our hands toward Sam’s club where we invested in a truly valuable commodity known as a trampoline!The child catching net was installed just hours after this part was completed, just in case you were feeling any twinge of worry, I wasn’t but I also let them eat cookie dough, so that tells you what kind of mother I am.This trampoline has all of the safety measures fully implemented for grandma W.’s peace of mind.  We even have a doctor on call down the street; though, he doesn’t know that he’s on ca…

The End of the Ice Age

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With the end of the ice age came the discovery of frozen ancient plants, animals, and G.I. Joes.  Here in Ogden, the snow has almost all melted and has joined the cold swamp that makes any grass treading sound like walking on a giant wet sneaker- queek, queek, queek.  I just went out to get the mail and thoroughly enjoyed the short walk, the 65 degree temperature, and the qeeking.  On my way back, Isaac had followed me, we found 2 de-iced tyrannosaurus rexes.  Isaac insisted that I wash them as apparently they were pretty nasty going into the “big chill.”  This cleaning also happened to include scrubbing their nether-regions which I must say were pretty dirty for plastic toys.  Now they are all clean and have joined their plastic comrades in the living room.This snow relief version of paleontology has revealed a helicopter (yesterday’s finding), G.I. Joes, Power Rangers, Power Ranger parts, don’t ask which ones, and a plastic poisonous dart frog. I would like to have gotten a look whe…