Do vampires wear sweaters?

Kids are the best at pointing fingers at guilty adults while managing to come out on top, totally unscathed.  They ask the right questions, the ones that propriety forbids other adults from asking.  Most of these forthright questions pop out in the open among ears of hearing bystanders.  Questions like:  Why does your stomach jiggle?  Why do I have to where tighty-whities?  Why is she smoking?  Why do you always drink diet Coke?  You’re reading Twilight again?! 

As a side-note, they also get away with things like picking their noses in public, head-butting their parents rear-ends, passing gas, and any number of fowl things.  What these questions and comments have in common, is that instead of the child getting an odd look from a stranger, it is the parent, the mom, who get’s the burning ocular stares penetrating into the back of her irresponsible head.


One somewhat blustery fall afternoon, while leaving the store with Isaac, I lost the battle of the sweater.  Isaac wouldn’t put it on and I was in a hurry to get home for the other two boy’s after school arrival.  So, I figured I’d just walk really fast to the car and maybe he’d learn that mommy does have her reasons for sweater usage.  I still had mine on because I never insist upon stripping down every time I enter a store like the Immodest 3 do.  As I walked out the door, an older lady walked by and with those same accusing eyes that I usually get from my parental “irresponsibility,” she began burning, starting on my left cheek, crossing over my ear lobe, and then to the back of my head from where I could nose the scent of burning hair.  With a nasty voice she then said, very sarcastically to me “well, I see that at least you have a sweater on!”  So shocked that the usual proper responsive profanity failed me, I managed “what?!” while she scurried into the store to, no doubt, buy her perfect grandchild a pouffy down feather coat.  Ugh!! Some people’s grandmothers!  Sure, had it been anywhere near freezing, I would have done something more drastic, but in her book I should have shoved my three year olds arms, however violently it might be, into his sweater just to prove I really cared?  Sheesh!


Well, this rant actually started with the intention of expressing some well deserved guilt neatly served by my overly honest children.  The last question concerning reading Twilight again, was the one that sent a wave of chagrin and a need to admit my weakness.  I knew that they knew I liked the series and the new movie.  I didn’t count on them realizing how truly obsessed I was.  I tried to keep it somewhat under wraps as to how many times I’d seen the movie.  They’re observant little guys and I did not fool them in the least.  Upon finally getting the film and watching it at home, Douglas pointed out during one of the many times I’d told him to be quiet while I watched, “What?  You’ve seen this a ton of times!”  The feeling I had could be compared to how Jack felt in Mr. Mom when he realized Alex, his 7 year old son, had been watching a soap opera with him.

Mr. Mom bathroom 

Alex:  Is it Kevin’s baby?

Jack:  I’m not sure.

Alex:  Kevin’s a skunk.

Jack:  Well, Kevin gets all the girls.

Alex:  He sure got Nicki! 

(Jack looks somewhat shocked as he looks over at his son).

Jack: (on the phone with Joan)  It’s gotta be Kevin’s.. Victor? How could it be Victor’s?  He got a vasectomy… It didn’t take?!

Mr. Mom Kotex pads

Well, they ended up watching the whole thing and I sounded like the female version of a Trekie, only instead of containing an expert’s knowledge on the subject of Star Trek, mine was on Twilight, a Twightie. 


Yes, I probably did something so sinful that it could be compared to letting my child go out un-sweatered on a blustery day.  I let them watch Twilight, and yes, I had a ton of explaining to do and was indeed grateful that I’d seen it “a ton of times.”  Had the lady of the burning eyes been there I would have probably been incinerated.  I do know that one proud moment came from the experience and that was when Douglas saw things my way, the way I’d felt throughout each book, when he asked, “Why didn’t he just turn her into a vampire?”  “Good question my son, now go outside and play and tell your brother to get his sweater on.”


mommymuse said…
I recently let my kids join my love affair with Mamma Mia, and was slightly chagrined after the third time through to realize that it's rated PG-13. Oops. It's, um, added to our family discussions about morality/immorality, to say the least. And our whole family can do a booty-shaking "Dancing Queen." Your fiery-glared grandma lady would combust me for sure.
Welch Mom said…
I think older people think kids need ton of layers and clothes so that they can overheat their little bodies. My mom is always over suffocating my children with coats and hats. On the other hand Robb is the opposite I think he is paranoid because his mother overheated him as a baby and caused him to have a febrile seizure. So next time use that as your excuse!
Mommy Of 2 said…
That is sooooo funny! My daughter Hannah gets so mad everytime I say anything about the book or movie! I still dont have mine cause I ordered it form Borders to get the special stuff but pay per viewed it a few days ago and stayed up till 2 am. I have now seen it 4 times and probably a few more times when it comes. Haha, I still don't think I would let HAnnah see it, I am not ready for the questions...I did however let her see the funny bio scene when he was stunned by her smell, LOL! She laughed.Anyway funny posts as always!
Heatherlyn said…
I've done that before, had on my sweater and my Austin did not. (It's not MY fault. I told him to put on his coat like 10 times!) Thankfully, no little old lady said anything to me. I would have been mortified.

And we did let our kids watch Twilight (at home) but we made them go into the bathroom so they couldn't see the fight scene with James. I think it would have given them nightmares! But the rest of the movie really is fine.
Melisa said…
Coats aren't a battle I pick with my kids. If people want to give me dirty looks, fine. I did that once with Calet, and she has worn it every time since. And if she decides she doesn't want to, well maybe she just isn't that cold. People need to back off. Okay. Rant over. :o)
Natalie said…
I love your writing! I also love that you know how to choose your battles and how to muster up your motherly-invisible-force field against those ridiculous, non-parent fault finders. Someone once asked me when I was toting a 1-year-old Amber on top of my 8-month-pregnant belly if I knew what caused pregnancy. I wanted to spit in her face, but I politely explained that my husband and I planned both events and danced with glee when I saw how embarrassed she became. I digress, though...good for you (and Douglas) for exposing your kids to what inevitably will take over their innocense sooner or later. I also allow my kids to watch "my shows" simply to be able to watch them. I truly am nomitating you for Mother of the Year because you have three kids and you are still somewhat sane. That is a major accomplishment!

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