“I can’t get up! I can’t get up! Ralphie!!!”
1.) Time for your tangent…what is your latest complaint?
As we all know, I’m expecting twins, again, and therefore get to spend half of my pregnancy in doctor’s offices being examined, ultrasounded, and advised on how best to make it to the deadline which happens to be 37 weeks. Having had 2 c-sections already and this being my second set of twins, letting someone go to 40 weeks just isn’t something they like to do. I made it to 36 weeks with my first two and, as it was, they came out weighing 5 lb. 13 oz. and 6 lb. 4 oz..
Every time I go to the doctor and make an appointment for my next visit, they put the date and time on a 5”x7” informative card which contains what to expect during my next 4 weeks. I happen to have a book which I’m sure many also have, called What to Expect When You’re Expecting. The symptom that lasts the entire 9 months and beyond is flatulence and I think it even lists it first in each chapter. Yes, we understand that we and others will suffer but I do not think they need to mention it every single month, as if the knowledge that we are getting bigger and bigger isn’t enough to damage our self-image, let’s add socially unsuitable in small enclosed rooms.
Anyway, the obvious is too often expressed in such literature. The 5” x 7” card has updates on your body, your baby’s development, and even your “partner,” a word that I think is somewhat offensive if not idiotic when referring to your husband. Every time I read the section about him and what “my partner” will need, I keep waiting to get instructions on square dancing. Yes, I know that not everyone goes about procreating in the same way, but in this case, the partner is male, married to me, and definitely not a square dancer.
Well, the point of this complaint-let was originally inspired by the “pregnancy tips” section of this informative card I got where it says:
“The uterus and baby are now around your belly button. You should avoid activities in which you lay flat on your back more than a few minutes including exercises and sleeping on your back. If you wake up and find yourself on your back, just roll over onto your side.”
About a year and a half ago I posted a blog about the unfortunate tale of Gregor Samsa’s Metamorphosis, where one morning Gregor wakes up and discovers he has transformed into a large bug. With such a dilemma one would consider the challenges faced in trying to roll over if stuck on your back and the necessity of doing it quickly before one could come to harm. After reading my pregnancy tips I for some reason pictured myself as some helpless creature, stuck on her back and utterly aghast that I could fall asleep in such a vulnerable position. The fright and panic that ought to ensue after such a discovery should take me over the edge…Really, can you believe they actually had to tell us what to do if we realized we were sleeping on our backs? I would compare it to advice like “should you notice that you’re holding your breath…” and then need to be advised to inhale or exhale. I really couldn’t help not laughing when I read this tip but was slightly annoyed that they needed to actually print the solution for finding yourself asleep on your back when you shouldn’t be.
There you have it, my “complaint-let” in a tangent-esque style and inspired by the Obvious.