How many feet can you put in your mouth?

Signs for the bewildered observers of possibly pregnant women which,  I hope, will help stave off inevitable embarrassment after the “are you expecting?” question.

1.  Does she sport a hairdo which allows for the least amount of hair to be found in the pathway between mouth and toilet?  This would most likely be a pony tail or messy bun  (FYI, or in case you didn’t know how to  avoid keeping barf out of your hair).   

2.  Sometimes one has to observe the target of the “are you pregnant” question for up to a two-hour period.  If she should get up and leave about 3 times during  that time, walk impatiently down the hall to the restroom, and return more relaxed, she is most likely expecting, or she is the victim of a bad bladder infection.  Making sure she also “glows” will cancel out the chance of bladder infection.

3.  The bulge, as in battle of the…  This is a hard one to go off of alone.  First, well…it shouldn’t jiggle as much as a real pooch does, but…it could.  It’s harder than the regular pooch, but a tumor can be too. (“It’s not a tumor”).  However, if you can, observe the belly undetected for a time, and if you happen to see signs of alien life trying to burst out of the suspects belly in more than one direction, pregnancy is a good assumption.

Having been asked this question a couple of times by adults and several times by my children when I was not expecting, I have come up with this short list to help those, unlike my previous inquisitors, avoid embarrassment or at least puzzlement.  Please feel free to add to my list if you have any other proof-positive clues for the curious.