Watermelons, pain-killers, and diet coke (I am not pregnant)
Today, as I entered my neighborhood grocery store, I walked past the watermelon section and observed two people trying to choose the best watermelon possible. If I didn’t know better and my sight wasn’t 20/20 I’d say these two customers were patting a baby, listening to its intestines, and smelling it for a possible dirty diaper. Really, how in the world does one choose the perfect watermelon? That is not a rhetorical question, so please, if you know the answer I could use a little enlightenment. My father-in-law once said that you look for a plethora “bee stings.” That method has worked about half of the time. What’s the key? Anyone?
Do you ever imagine what you would need if you were dropped off, washed onto, or Bear Grylls-ed onto a deserted island? Do you have the skills and knowledge needed to survive? I’ve thought about this, usually when I’ve got a really bad head ache and I’m starting to enjoy the comfort of modern day pain-relievers. What would I do without this modern convenience? I think, should I go back to school and study chemistry? I really need to know how to make ibuprofen or even the lesser pain killer, acetaminophen. I don’t think I’ll need to get the other ingredients for the really good stuff, as it wouldn’t be good to start an addiction while having to build a tree house, fight off pirates, and hunt for something in nature that could replace a toothbrush. So, next question, how does one actually make ibuprofen? Anyone?
Does Diet Coke have a hidden ingredient that makes you crave sugar? I think so. My theory is that your body thinks, “oh yaaaa! I’m getting a sweet drink with caffeine, oh yaaaaa!” and then, errrrt! “Oh, it’s aspartame, not sugar, I still want sugar, oh look, there’s a chocolate chip cookie, it has the sugar that this diet coke thinks it’s giving me but isn’t.” Then, the brain in this body incorrectly remembers her algebra and thinks that the diet coke, a negative, a zero calorie, can be ingested along with a cookie, a positive or moocho calorie, and that in all it’s calculations thinks that this negative times this positive makes a negative. No calories! I think there might be a similar theory out there in more scientific lingo, but I haven’t gotten around to taking that refresher chemistry class yet. Anyone? Bueller?