4.) 10 Reasons Why I Could Never Be Friends With…(fill in the blank)
…Delores, my other personality.
1. She has the messiest house ever! You should see her floors, you’d think she’s raising a bunch of Hanzel and Gretels by the number of crumb trails found throughout her house. I wonder if they ever found their way home with that many trail heads.
2. She’s got the foulest mouth ever! Well, she actually sticks to one particular word that she says is a family favorite. I wonder if she’s got a crest somewhere that says something like “In Crapola nos Fides,” with a gigantic picture of…
3. She rarely cooks for her family. Every evening I’ve been over there I see her pulling out several boxes of cereal and letting her kids pick which one they’d like for their appetizer, main course, and dessert. All three usually end up being large bowls of Coco Crispies.
4. She has no clue how to get her kids to regularly brush their teeth! She threateningly says stuff like, “your teeth will fall out if you don’t, or do you want to look like a pirate when you get older, or cavities hurt.” They usually reply with something like, “cool!” Just thinking about it makes me want to run to the bathroom, brush, floss, then brush and floss once more and maybe down a couple swigs of mouthwash. Can you swallow that stuff?
5. She rarely trims her finger or toenails. I don’t know when the last time she had a manicure or pedicure was. Every time I go over I half expect her to be strangely contorted in an arm chair trying to get her toes up to her mouth so she can bite the nails off. I’m sure she could find toenail clippers if she could just follow one of those crumb trails.
6. She has absolutely no sense of style. Just the other day I saw her wearing the same pants she was wearing when she was pregnant with her twins, a shirt that has a pattern of baby barf resembling something by Jackson Pollack, and sandals with white socks. When she actually does dress up she looks like something the 90’s coughed up, with the color teal, puffy bangs, and a plaid scrunchy. Stop trying to tuck in your t-shirts honey!
7. She’s got a serious diet Coke addiction. I know her blood is probably a bubbly brown color that fizzes whenever she gets a paper cut. I bet she’d try to steal one of those IV thingys from the hospital and hook up a regular drip system if she could manage to hide it in her sweat pants.
8. She has the messiest bedroom I’ve ever seen! The state of her unmade bed would definitely send Martha S. into sheet folding hysterics. She doesn’t even bother picking up the pile of dirty laundry next to her bed but has started picking her outfits from it’s mountains based on matching stains and aromas. Your tags go in the back dearie and that purple stain is not a recently discovered polka dot on your shirt!
9. She couldn’t keep a minivan clean if her life depended on it. It’s like she asks those kids of hers to drop everything they’re holding and to make sure it smells like pickles, BBQ sauce, or ketchup before they do so. A few more of those crumb trails have come to dead ends in the back seats only instead of seeing lost children weeping in despair, hers are in fits of laughter trying to see who can get the most M&M’s to land in the cup holder opposite their side of the back seat.
10. And now, the absolute reason I could never be friends with this woman is that she’s friends with me. Who would ever want to hang out with someone so tidy, fresh breathed, lacking the stomach to use the “s” word in dire situations, so stylish, so clean car-ist, so pedicured, and above all, so stressed-out! As if!
"Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another, 'What! You too? I thought I was the only one." ~ C.S. Lewis