Opening up a ventilation shaft (yes, I’m venting…)

1.  I am an embarrassment, and a figure of shame, to all those women out there who give birth, put on their sneakers, get to the gym, lose most of that baby fat, fit back into those 1990’s jeans, pretend stretch marks don’t exist, brush their hair, find and put on their discarded bra left somewhere from the last baby feeding, and leave the house without a trace of baby barf on their shoulder.  Even as I type, I momentarily reach up to my damp shoulder and try to wipe a little old washing machinebit more of the white residue off.  Time to wash this shirt, and thank goodness Chris unclogged the drain in the washing machine.  Who knew 2 quarters, 6 pennies, 3 dimes, 2 Canadian coins with pictures of Queen Elizabeth II on them, a rubber band, a “breathe-right” strip, a screw, 1/8 cup of elementary school playground sand, a field trip permission slip, a battleship, and many more objects, still to be identified, could clog a washing machine with such success?  Well, they did and I now have some serious stains to get out of some clothing that sat too long with dark colored items, a pool of dirty water, and washing machine cud.

2.  By the way, anyone know how to get mashed carrots, peas, or squash out of baby cloths?  I’d just mastered baby diaper blowouts but this orange ring around the collar thing…Yes, I know, bib, bib, bib!!!

3.  I have an associate (associate:  a person who could be a friend, relation, or enemy), whom I don’t want to identify, who thinks I should call every other week.  I received a call from this associate last weekend and was told that it had been 6 weeks since last I’d spoken with this associate.  I sure hope my other associates don’t keep track of such things.  If anyone out there is reading this who is wondering when I’m going to call, it will most likely be when my youngest twins start kindergarten.  By then, I hope you still want to be friends.  I might not remember your name but I never forget a face, so please just tell me what you looked like back then and we can pick up where we left off before I had another set of twins.

 4.  When should I start feigning insult when my kids complain about my cooking?  I know I should probably pretend to be offended when my kids say the food I’m giving them isA Christmas Story - Randy and his dreaded Meatloaf. making them feel nauseated.  One of my kids seriously looked like he was going to puke this evening after eating one small bite of sweet potatoes. He even had tears in his eyes and for a moment I thought he would hurl and so I quickly told him to wash it (the healthy food) down with his milk.  I’ve even told them that in some households they’d be sent to their rooms, and without dinner, for such bad manners.  I went so far as to tell them that they would have been one of the starving pioneers that had to be left behind because he refused to eat his sweet potatoes.  Just like Ralphie’s mom, I should tell him that “staving people would be happy to have that.”   Instead I think I said something about North Korea.   I guess some nights a child has to survive on 3 glasses of milk, a few string beans, and some bread.  After several requests for other options, I was feeling ornery, and told them that I was not a short order cook!

5.  Shouldn’t babies be happily asleep by 11:35 pm?  I wish I was.

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Just like this.


Rebecca said…
Love your venting. You are an awesome mom! Cute sleeping babies!
Heatherlyn said…
You can tell your kids that I threaten to serve my kids sardines raw from the can if they complain about their food. :)

And I guess I should actually remove all that loose change from the bottom of my washer, huh?

Twins would set anyone back a few years. Cut yourself some slack and enjoy your adorable children (I know you do--and they sure are beautiful)!!!
-Ang said…
Hi Becket!
I am now up to date on your gorgeous family! SORRY to be such an absentee blogger! I have intensions to repent. Your girls are at that awesome stage where they just get cuter every day. Have a great Thanksgiving!
Melissa said…
Be thankful that your kids at least ate a few string beans. I am sure all those moms who are beautifully made up and work out everyday after having a baby (let alone 2!) are missing out on lots of cute smiles and slobbery kisses!
mommymuse said…
Hi Becky, I'm Wendy, and we met a few years ago after twins #1 and before the singleton, before law school, and well before twins #2. I believe we're also future in-laws of sorts, as my oldest is planning to marry one of your twins #1. Is this ringing a bell yet? btw, we really need to talk about how you never call anymore. Babies, schmabies. Always some excuse. As if I'm going to give you a free pass because they are so freaking cute. Which they are. Freaking cute, that is.

For the record, I think anyone who has birthed two sets of twins gets a permanent pass from any mommy guilt over baby fat not lost yet, pants that don't fit, or failure to be recognized on sight at the local gym. You've already proven that your body is AMAZING and FANTASTIC--anything else is gravy. mmmm.....gravy....

Let's make a lunch date for about 4.5 years from now :).
Andrea said…
You are hilarious! Know that others of your associates are right there with you. You know I am because you've seen me at the bus stop at NOON still basically in my pj's or something like that. I'm also glad to know my kids are not the only ones bringing home sand by the cupfuls in their pockets or gagging at food--I was beginning to wonder.
Natalie said…
Becky, you are marvelous! I say to heck with all the post-partum, skinny, put-together moms. The crusty shoulders are the best badge of success anyone can wear, and I became enemies with my washing machine ages ago. Keep on living up the moments with your hilarious boys and your gorgeous little ladies. In my book, you are the epitome of beauty: beautiful hair (even in a pencil-fixed bun), beautiful skin, a beautiful and impressive mind, and a rockin' body that can make five babies in thirty months. That is amazing and so are you!
Holly said…
Try Dawn dish soap on your food stains before you wash them.
Great vent!!!
Deanne said…
Don't worry, I don't expect you to call. And I hope the reverse is true. What mother of young children actually has time to talk on the phone?!

And you're in good company. My cooking is insulted daily by my children as well. We made a new rule - when you come to the dinner table the only thing you're aloud to say about the food is, "Looks good. Thanks Mom." Even though I know they are only being obedient to the rule, hearing those words actually helps!

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