It whispers to me in the night from a dark and devious cupboard…CnH2nOn.

Recently, I’ve been trying to eat healthier and get more exercise.  I’ve been nursing my babies for the past 10 months and my goal is to go the whole year, insane I know, but it’s more, way more, affordable than formula and it’s working for me.  Early on, before they started taking cereal and eventually more solid foods, I had the most voracious appetite.  I actually felt real hunger quite often and took care of it with the recommended calorie intake for a nursing mother.  I once asked a doctor how many calories I should be eating while nursing and she said, “no less than 2500 a day.”  That’s a lot!   Now that they’ve been nursing less and eating solids more, I find that my appetite hasn’t really gone down.  Well, I think it has, but I’m still habitually taking in more calories than I now need, even though the Dr. still recommends that same number.  I’m thinking they need to lower that number.  As I said, I’ve been trying to eat healthier, and against the doctor’s orders, am trying to lower my calorie intake.  I’ve found that the hardest part of this challenge is trying to cut sugar out of my diet.

I have a sugar addiction.  There, it’s out there for all to know.  I don’t think there is more than one step to overcoming this addiction.  I believe it starts with, “put the dang chocolate bar down!”  That’s probably it.  However, I have never felt such cravings as I do now for sugar!  After giving the babies each a piece of graham cracker this morning, I found eating one 1 1/2 inch by 3 inch rectangle of my own, to have been the most delicious thing on the planet and I wanted more!  With reluctance, I put the rest of the packet away and looked for something to do.

A little later, after getting Isaac off to school, the babies and I went out to run a couple of errands.  On the way home, we stopped by Del Taco to use a free taco coupon to take home for Chris.  I gave in, with sneaky ordering and shifty eyes, I got a churro.  I think I must have been hiding from my stronger-willed other personality (I think her name is still Delores). 

Needless to say, I drove home in the company of pure sugar and ultimate bliss!  After I finished it, I felt so good.  The jitters were gone, the craving satisfied, and my taste buds were saying over and over again, “thank you oh kind one with no will power!” The sugar high did it’s job and I felt great.  I couldn’t believe that people actually thought that eating greasy and sugary foods could make a person feel uncomfortable and unhealthy. 

It’s been about two hours since my fix and slowly the feeling of guilt is returning.  I am determined to behave myself for the rest of the day.  Perhaps I voice these thoughts, as the addiction counselors might say, “a cry for help.”  Or maybe it’s to receive empathy from the other addicts out there.  But, there it is for all to see.  All I’ve go to say now, is that I’d better get my butt in gear if I want to fit in a dress for my sister’s wedding.  Ugh…