Ask "The Doctor"

Dear The Doctor,

My body is shaking and my nerves are shot as I finally sit down in front of this computer to express my current feelings. The symptoms started at around 4:00 this afternoon, shortly after my kids got home. I don't know if it's something they brought home with them, but it seems to have intensified with every hour. I just put my kids in bed and it is now 8:02 and the feeling of shakiness is starting to ebb. My heart rate has slowed down, I've stopped pulling out my hair, I've put the last cookie back, I've swallowed so my throat doesn't hurt from the over exertion of my vocal chords, my neck has finally popped, and I can finally sit and undue the top button of my ever shrinking jeans, ahhhh... What do you think is wrong with me? Is there a cure? I don't know if I can go on like this for much longer! Help!

Sincerely,

Mrs. Shakey

Dear Mrs. Shakey

You have what is, in the world of pseudo-psychology, commonly known as Bonkerism. See definition below:

"Bonkerism: the theory that if any one person, usually of the female gender, is locked up in an enclosed area with his or her children for any sustained amount of time, and the children having no entertaining stimuli but each other, that that person will most likely embrace the thumbing of her lips while mumbling some nonsensical phrases (other physical symptoms like hair loss, "chubbiness", and cross-eyed-ness may occur), thereby accepting this condition as "the way", der Weg, la condizione, 方向 , fate, the unavoidable path. The call for help may reveal itself in the seemingly random statement of "I'm going bonkers!"Often those who regularly practice bonkerism meet there end in a special place with pink padded walls. Researchers have discovered a few treatments but they can cost quite a bundle as the labs can only be found in Hawaii, the Bahamas, and in cute little Chalets in Switzerland. Due to environmental hazards, these labs have never been built near child friendly climates. Dr. Eve Bonker, the founder of bonkerism is the first known patient to have recovered, this happening soon after her youngest child left home and got married, having practiced Bonkerism for many many years she gives the enduring sufferers hope." -- The Health Encounter of a Third Kind, p. 33.

Yes, Mrs. Shakey, there is hope and if you do have the funds, look into the suggested options. If things are tight, I'd suggest moving to a warmer climate so that the enclosed subjects might roam freely out of doors. Bonkerism doesn't have to be your fate.

Forever Listening,

The Doctor